Would you believe me if I told you

Basically, the title sums it all up, haha.  Today is such a weird and crappy day.  I've just been sitting around listening to music, browsing websites, and smoking.  Not much going on other than getting picked up by Becky soon.  Hopefully we'll find something fun to do so that I don't keep focusing on negativity.  Tyler is trying to do his cut and run Tyler thing ever since I found out about his stuff, but there's no way in hell that I'm going to be devastated even more because of someone's fear or love for the easy way out.  Nope, no way no how.  Both he and I deserve a lot more than that, and there is still a lot to be remembered.  In other news, he is still lying....what the fuck?  I deserve so much better.  Is this pathological at this point?

Now.

Where is the kid with the chemicals?  I have a hunger and I can't seem to get full.

Well, today I have discovered that for the last several months, if not the entire motherfucking relationship, Tyler has been going onto gay fuck sites and talking to guys.  Even going so far as to set up a meeting place.  One of them was Barnes & Noble, right beside where I work.  He set this up while I was at work.  Really?  How have I let someone do this to me?  How?  And he says it is because he is insecure.  Oh, of course I know nothing about that.  SIKE.  That doesn't mean that you can play me, Tyler Adams.  Fuck this.  Fuck being fucked over.  I cannot believe this.  I am more hurt now than I have ever been before by any other person.  Ever.  Yes, I called out today.  I don't care if I lose my job.  I am so beyond anything.  I wish that words could express where I am coming from.  I................................................

Fuck.  This entire time.  Through the proposals and everything.  This entire time.  I feel ............................................ ;ladskfjas;ldfjadsjk;ladsfj;ladsjfa;ldskjfk;ladsjfask;ldjfk;ladsjfask;ldjfk;ladsjfk;lasdj fk;lGOD FUCKING DAMMIT I JUST CANT BELIEVE THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME.  LDS;FJASK;LDJFKSJDF;SJDF;LJF;LKJSDFK;LJDSFK;LJSDF;LJSDF;LJSDKLFJDSKLFJASLDKJF     I don't know whay I am going to do.  Meanwhile he is being Tyler and not answering the phone because he has been caught being the most fucked up person that has fucked me the most that I've dated.  I don't care if that doesn't make sense.  Where do I go?  What do I do?  ;lsdkjf;laskdjfklsjdfl;asj



I feel beyond dead.  My fucking soul has been ripped from my body and exploited.

This is what I was talking about, to myself more or less since it was private.  But this is the place I've referred to wanting to go to.  This is how far away from "myself" that I need to get, or that I feel I need to get.  It's hard to explain, but I hold onto the hope I've created that this is ultimately the best.

<3

"I love him.  That's right folks, I love Tyler Everett Adams." -- Channing Smith

"Hey bitch, your wish is my command.  Just smile and nod, we'll understand..."
"Hey bitch, don't quite, you're almost dead.  Don't give up now, make friends instead..."
"Hey bitch, nice tits.  You're broke but then you're rich in love, you're great in bed.  You'll see the world you'll knock them dead, and all the thick books that you read will count for nothing in the end."

everything I've seen in those dirty magazines and movies.  And to be frank I'm bothered.  To be frank I'm also fathered by guilt and purity.  But don't be frank with me, see, because it means nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing once you've taken it like that. 


Hello!  I'm sitting out in the sun room enjoying the pleasant weather before I go get ready for my walk to work.  A good little bit of thought has, unfortunately, gone into the dream that I had last night.  The dream itself was undoubtedly my subconscious getting a message across because I've been doing my best to ignore it.  I don't know how else to deal with it though, because thinking about it just makes me feel all heavy and sick.

So today has taught me to love myself.  I've had wonderful success in accepting and appreciating myself again.  Nothing big, but wonderfully successful nonetheless.  Well, I guess that is in itself big.  Haha I can't really formulate a good sentence.  I'm wearing clothes that I've always criticized myself for wearing but I feel good and feel like I look good.  That alone is something that doesn't exactly happen very often for me.  I now have an idea of where I want to be as far as substances go, which is very helpful and a fine relief.  Now I have a little more insight to where my insecurities lie, and possibly where to start working on them.  This doesn't mean that I know HOW to work on them or even what in the sam hell I'm supposed to do, but I can see them and I believe that's half the battle. 

Alrighty, now I'm off to meet Tyler when he gets off.  Today holds much chillin' with T-smacks and laundry.  Much much of both, hopefully.

It's time for me to really be about myself again.  I should be my number one.  Putting myself behind and underneath other people has done nothing but fuck me over, again and again.  I just saw my life as a beauty shot, and it tasted pretty sweet.  Of course I still care about everyone else, and I won't neglect anyone or anything, but I now feel like I have a better idea of what it really means to neglect something and I've realized that it is exactly what I have done to myself.  Fuck everything else.  I need to seek my happiness because I'm the only one that really can or will.  I will call or text or message whenever without serious fear of that person's reaction.  If people decide that they don't want me in their life anymore, so be it.  Chances are it will be painful and it will leave a scar,  but there isn't much that can be worse than what I've gone through so far and I'm still standing.  Now I just need to lift my head up so that I can be a part of everything happening around me.  This August, this Autumn, is the first day of my life.

I watched his eyes search his body up and down once he realized that he was taking his first shirt off...
His stare fell on his eyes, then slowly looked up and down his body where the shirt was clinging tight.
He smiled.
Mine smiled.

I'm not gonna get anything in bed tonight other than sleep.

I can feel it comin' on and burning through my neck
never would've wanted anything' better though.



                                                                  <3iron&wine